Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
