Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
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Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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