My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
