I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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