Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
