You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
