you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
