so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize