i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
