Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
