"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
