Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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