Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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