And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
