I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
