My room smells like vodka and shame
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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