The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
