Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
