Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He has the fingertips of a God
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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