My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
