Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it because I queefed?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
