we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my shit smells like andre
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
