True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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