Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it's great music for shaving your balls
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
