She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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