I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
