I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
