She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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