I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
