I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
