That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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