We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
