Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
