Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
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You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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