yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
