i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
