Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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