Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't notice because vodka
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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