Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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