This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
