My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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