oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
