I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Who died my cat blue again?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
