you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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