she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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