Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
