I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
