the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
