you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Drunk is a universal language darling
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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