jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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