he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
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we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
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My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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