So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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