life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
