Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
