If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
